In today’s blog post, I would l like to discuss one of my favorite songs titled “Deathly Loneliness Attacks” by Hifumi. I am particularly fond of the cover by Mafumafu, a Japanese artist who I listen to frequently. As the song is in Japanese, I originally listened to it without paying attention to the lyrics themselves. And without lyrics, this song seems so cheerful! The tune played on the guitar, the quick beat of the drums, and Mafumafu’s voice instantly improves my mood and gets me dancing in my chair. I’ve even attempted to sing-along to the song despite not knowing a word of Japanese. My mother sometimes thinks I’m weird, but I don’t mind. Recently, my enthusiasm has rubbed off on her. Now when she hears the song being played in my room, she charges in to dance and sing with me. It feels nice to share something you enjoy with the people you love. In these moments, I feel more connected to my mom. We don’t have many things in common, my mother and I, but listening to Mafumafu’s songs bring us closer together. Quite ironic for a song titled “Deathly Loneliness Attacks.”

With all this being said, once I read the lyrics, my perception of the song changed a bit. The song became much more painful, meaningful, and relatable. The first few lines of the song read:

“You’ll breathe on, even if you just live just doing whatever works. Living depending on someone else; Even if your support disappears, you’ll continue to breathe, becoming dependent on the next thing.”

When I originally read these lines, I felt a sense of hopelessness in these words. I imagined the author being quite lonely and sad, trying to fill the hole in his heart with the company of others. Being alone with himself seems to be much too painful for him. When one friend would grow distant, he would attach himself to another. Throughout his pain and sorrow, he is still breathing. He is still alive. When I first read the lyrics to the song, the fact that he was still alive despite being so lonely made me quite sad. Despite his struggles, he still lives, and time continues to flow. Why do we live and breath when the world is crumbling around us and no one comes to our aid? But reading these words again today, I think I can see them in a more optimistic light. It’s amazing that we can still breath and move forward even when others abandon us. If the author would have stopped breathing, then he would have never gotten the chance to better himself and find a support system that truly loves him.

The song continues with:

“Before I even realised loneliness began to turn. My heart alone notices and yearns for another. Amidst the pin and needle-like pain, I sunk in the powerlessness of being alone.”

I love the way the author was able to describe their feelings of loneliness through their song. I can definitely relate to these lyrics. There have been moments in my life where my loneliness would get so overwhelming, it would make me feel as though I was drowning. On the occasions where I would see my friends, I would cling onto them for dear life. It was like their company was sustaining my life force, and without them I was completely empty. As the song suggests, I was dependent on them. As the years went by, I actually made quite a few friends. However, I noticed that I would still be lonely despite being surrounded by people. I realized that in order to truly shed my feelings of loneliness, I needed to be comfortable being alone with myself. It’s definitely easier said than done, and it might be a lifelong struggle, but I think I have been slowly getting better at being okay with being with myself. I’m not actually as bad of a person as I thought!

The singer then sings:

“The punishment for curling up all those times. Tightens around my chest and digs in its fangs […] Cracks run their way through my heart. So it wouldn’t break. So I wouldn’t break it. Even though with my inexperienced hands, I so tried to protect it. I ended up straining myself and crushing it.”

In these lines, the author is describing a time he distanced himself from others and his pain. He tried to protect himself, but it ended up backfiring, and his negative feelings became even worse. I can relate to this as well. I am quite a shy person. While I’ve always wanted to make friends, I’ve mostly watched people from a distance. I would eat at lunch alone and imagine having conversations with people in my head. I was trying to protect my heart from pain and rejection, but as the song says, I ended up straining myself and crushing it. I tried to shield my heart from others by talking to no one. How can someone hurt me if I never give them a chance? But at the same time, I didn’t give anyone the chance to heal my heart either.

The song itself casts a hopeless light on the authors loneliness with the lyrics:

“Even if I hug my knees and cry, there will be no change. Not even to my sobs that echo in this quiet room. Even if the night swallows it, even if the moon shines down upon it, it won’t disappear, it doesn’t disappear.”

The pangs of loneliness that plague the author’s heart feel so everlasting, they cannot even imagine a world where they can finally be at peace. Throughout the entire song, the author does not give us any indication that he believes that his situation might change one day. No matter how much he cries out for help, not even if the darkness hides his pain, or if the moon draws attention to it, no one seems to be coming to his aid. This is a dark reality to perceive. However, I would disagree that the author’s pain will never heal. While I do not know him, in my own personal experience, it is possible to channel loneliness into determination. This year I made the most friends I have ever had by putting myself out into the world. I joined the anime club at my school and chatted with strangers in the library and online. I put myself in worthwhile but uncomfortable situations, and I am better for it. I would suggest the author of this song do the same. It might hurt even more at the beginning, since it is quite awkward to speak with people you have never met, but I promise you it will be worth it. All of the friends I have made this year have helped me so much. They support me, challenge me to be a better person, and cheer me up when I am feeling down.

Still, the fact that we are currently living through a pandemic, without the chance to see our friends and family, even during Christmas, is painful. I was hoping to see my younger brother, who I haven’t seen since September. I know that during Christmas my feelings of loneliness might creep back up, so I already made plans to video call with some friends and watch anime with my younger brother. I am trying to take steps to combat my future loneliness.

This has been my own way to relate to this song. If you guys would like to listen and come up with your own interpretation, you can check it out at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhV57_EH3AA. In the end, I hope you all are doing well. Wishing you all a happy holidays!

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